There is a new dating culture. Honestly, its one I’m not too fond of. Too many people are ready to point the finger when it comes to their dating lives. Everyone can give you a thousand reasons why other people are preventing them from a happy, healthy, love life. First, let me say you don’t HAVE to have a reason WHY you’re single. A healthy relationship requires two committed people and you can only control your 50% of the relationship. However, you have 100% control of your part. Meaning, it is absolutely your job to ensure you ARE the person you desire. Strive every day to be the best version of yourself and allow GOD (the Universe or whomever you pray to) to bring a compatible person in your life. What you absolutely, positively, must NOT do is blame others for your current single status. I’ve heard all types of reasons from both men and women. I hear some more often than others. One of the most common reasons I’ve heard from my successful sistas IS “I’m single because men are threatened by my success.”
Oh sista…dear sista…I love YOU but I have never in the history of ever had a man tell me he doesn’t want a successful woman. Nope. I have never in these 3 + years as a black matchmaker. I do, however, talk to men who aren’t interested in behaviors sometimes associated with successful women. What are those behaviors? Glad you asked. I’ve listed the top 3 below and how they turn men off.
- You are your success – This woman has wanted to be successful all of her life. She’s attended the best schools and graduated at the top of her class. Anyone who has a conversation with her longer than 15 minutes will know what she does for a living and how often she’s been promoted since starting with the company. Of course she doesn’t have any kids b/c SHE doesn’t have enough time for that. You can’t have children and work 70+ hours a week to make partner within the next two years. Her awards are framed and on the wall in her condo. Every post on social media is about success, working hard and sleeping later, or some list of the most successful or influential people that Forbes or some other organization has released. And if she’s not on the list, she personally knows half of the people that are.
The problem: 99.9 % of men have no problem with a woman who can cut a check if needed BUT that’s not what he’s looking for when he considers who he will marry. This woman is missing what we like to call “gender roles”. Yes, I went there. I’m not telling you to get barefoot in the kitchen either. A man wants to know what type of mother you will be to his children. If you clearly show you value making money more than you value family, that’s a problem. Since you are your success, no one ever learns anything else about you. What are you passionate about? How do you make life better for the people in your circle? What if there is another recession and you’re in a field that is highly affected? Who will you be then?
- You are bougie – This woman is in the top 2% of annual income in the country. You can look at her and tell. She wears the same bags and shoes as celebrities. She’s in the salon every week and all hell breaks loose if she breaks a nail before her weekly visit to the spa, where she gets her nails done. Oh no…heck no…she doesn’t go to the Koreans like everyone else. They’re not sanitary enough for her. If a man invites her over for dinner, she confirms he purchased everything from the organic section at Whole Foods. And it must be Whole Foods b/c “those other grocery stores just can’t be trusted.” You can always tell when she’s not enjoying herself in social environments. She sits in the corner with her arms folded being short to anyone who approaches. When he takes her out for dinner, she is checking her watch 5 minutes after placing her order b/c Lord knows they better NOT bring her food out cold. If so, she’ll need to speak with the manager and explain to him who she is and why that’s unacceptable. She’s worked hard to have the best and that’s exactly what she’s going to get.
The problem: In the simplest form, you’re just too much. You’re draining. No man wants to be on pins and needles the rest of his life making sure he meets your crazy standards. He can’t really take you anywhere because you’re just naturally rude to those you think are beneath you. Ya know…the waiter, the doorman, the Uber driver, and even his family members who still live in the hood. Would he even find an engagement ring good enough to please you? Will he ever purchase a birthday gift for you that you’ll appreciate? If you become partner and start to make more, will your expectations get even worse? If you start to make more than him, will you treat him like he’s beneath you? You. Are. Just. Tooooooo. Much.
- You are too progressive: This woman has joined the official single ladies club, her local feminists group. (Ha! Sorry…I had to go there. Don’t send me hate mail either) This woman is so convinced that she’s oppressed by men that she spends far too much time trying to prove she can do whatever a man does. She is offended if he opens doors or tries to pay the tab. Don’t ask her about children. “Women are more than pregnant bellies” she says. He better NOT use the word “female” either. She’s the leader of the “I don’t need a man” group but goes home feeling lonely as heck every weekend.
The problem: Listen, there is nothing wrong with needing a man. It is the most natural thing on this earth. He needs you too. A man wants a woman BECAUSE she is a woman. She’s female. He doesn’t need another man with a vagina. We women have superpowers that bring men to attention. Never, ever, ever, ever, ever suppress the inner woman in you to compare yourself to men. Neither is better than the other. We’re just different. And you don’t have to choose between being a boss in the boardroom and a nurturer at home. That’s just how dope us women are. I understand why women want equal pay for equal work but we have to know when we’ve taken feminism too far. We are not in competition with men. Don’t make him feel like you are. Allow him to play his natural role of leader, protector, and provider when necessary.
Moral of the story, ladies: it’s not your success that turns him off. It’s what your success has done to you. A good man isn’t looking for a provider so your success is icing on the cake. He’s looking for a partner he can connect with only a level different than he can connect with another man. He wants to know what type of mother you will be. He’s paying attention to your interactions with those who don’t have as much as you. He wants to know what values you will teach his children. He’s not asking you to dumb yourself down or make less money to make him feel better. He wants you to be the most natural thing you can be…a woman.